Love is Strange/Max's Journal

Love is Strange / Journal

Max's Journal is a gameplay element in the fan-made game Love is Strange. It contains 41 double pages which record Max's experiences and change depending on her choices.

September 3[]

New school year, new journal, same old me. I gotta say that finally filling my last journal up all the way made me kinda sad. It lasted me the whole year, and completing that last page felt like...well, like closing a book.

But it was really satisfying, too. I overstuffed it with memories (and all the amateur scrapbooking I did in it...) so I'm always going to have something to look at when I want to relive all the good times I had here at Blackwell during my first year.

I put it in a SUPER SECRET PLACE (hint to self in case I made it way too secret and I forget: Dorothea Lange), and then went out to buy a new notebook. That's this one! So hello, new journal. I'm Max Caulfield. I'm 17, at least for the next couple of weeks. I'm a wannabe photographer. I also like to play guitar and doodle. Pretty basic, huh?

I don't know what this year's going to be like, but if it's anything like my first year here, it's going to be AWESOME. Fingers crossed.

Time to get going. It's 9:42 AM, and I don't want to miss my first class. I'll update later with all the deets!

September 5[]

I lied about updating later. Oops. In my defense, the last two days have been a whirlwind. I'm still trying to get used to my schedule, and I wanted to catch up with all the people I didn't get to see over the summer.

I lucked out, and I share a lot of classes with my friends this semester. I'm so glad I convinced Chloe to take Photography. She's in a bunch of science classes too, so I think she's glad for an "easy" art class. Rachel's in my photography class, too, and so is Kate. (And so is Victoria, which should surprise approximately no one.)

Of course, I have a shit ton of homework ALREADY, but that's par for the course. I'm actually pretty happy about it. I know it's weird, but over the summer I missed everything about Blackwell, and that includes the homework. I'm pretty sure I won't be saying this once I actually get started on it, but let me live in blissful ignorance for a little bit, k?

September 8[]

The Vortex Club's already wallpapering the entire school in their party posters. Rachel's trying her best to get me to go. El-oh-el. I can picture it now: me, wedged into a corner with a migraine from the music, wondering why the floor is all sticky. No, thanks.

Chloe already got her first detention. Highly impressive. I sneaked in snacks for her through the window like a ninja. I had to stand in a bush and signal her. I am nothing if not an amazing friend.

Kate and I have a tea date set up today. I'm actually waiting for her to finish getting ready, and then we're off to the races. It'll be really awesome to finally sit down and have a good talk with her and catch up after summer vacation.

I got to talk to Mom and Dad today. I had to coach them through getting the video chat set up for the millionth time, but it was so nice. I miss them a lot already. They're really proud of me for keeping my scholarship into year two. It feels so good to know that they've totally got my back on my quest to become a real artiste. I would never have been able to come here at all if it weren't for them.

Aaaand Kate's just texted me that she's ready to leave, so GTG!

September 10[]

I should have guessed that I'd butt heads with Victoria Chase eventually. It was just a matter of time. Sigh. I thought after all the bitchiness last year she might've had some kind of realization during the summer and adjusted her attitude, but NOPE.

It was for the dumbest reason, too, not that she's ever had a good reason to pick on me. She tried to accuse me of stealing a tin of cookies. What?! She says it went missing from the kitchen and that she saw me coming out of it today. No shit! Because that's where we all keep our food! It's barely even a coincidence!

I swear that she's just looking for reasons to bother me. Like she's just constantly DYING to get on my case about something. She doesn't even care. For someone like her, bad press is still press, I suppose. I just have to keep being the bigger person about it. But she gets me SO MAD.

September 14[]

Rachel gave me a friendship bracelet today. I'm as surprised as you are. She and Chloe and I went...get this...bowling. It was us three and a bunch of old people there for their league game. But it was actually really fun! Chloe strikes the pins down like a wrecking ball. She and Rachel were neck-and-neck. Meanwhile, I became very acquainted with the gutter, but it's cool. It's not like I wanted to win, anyway. (Sob...)

We ate cheese fries the whole time and then went for a walk, and then Chloe dropped Rachel and I off on campus before heading home. We went back to the dorms and Rachel said she had something for me before giving me the bracelet. Lil' old me? You shouldn't have. For reals, though, it was so unexpected. Rachel's so nice. The bracelet is rainbow, and I'm wearing it right now, right next to the bracelet Chloe gave me at the end of last semester.

And now I need to sleep off all of these cheese fries. I feel like I'm about to explode.

September 18[]

I should think about joining a club. Everyone else is in one ('cept Chloe). Kate runs a couple of them, but seeing as I'm not very religious, I'd feel really awk going. I got her advice about it, anyway. She told me that there's a Halloween Committee. UM, YES.

Dana Ward's in charge of it. I might go talk to her about it today. I'm a little shy to try to join, even though Dana's my friend. So, like a wuss, I asked Kate if she'd join with me. Because Kate is a literal angel, she said yes. We're going to go get some details on it later. I'd better start planning my costume... I know Dana's intense about this stuff.

September 24[]

My birthday was goooooood. Cake at the Two Whales with a few of my friends and then a little day trip to Portland with Chloe. So glad my b-day fell on a Saturday this year. And the presents are mine, all mine, MUAHAHAH.

Chloe was all mad at Rachel today cuz Rachel canceled plans on her. She was all huffy. It was kinda cute. I ask her why, and she said she didn't know. I went knocking on Rachel's door later and she took two whole minutes to answer. When she did, I saw why. She's got a nasty cold. It was almost funny to see indestructible Rachel Amber with a sniffly red nose. Sadist much, Max? But I did feel sorry for her, I promise.

I relayed the info to Chloe and she felt bad about getting upset. We went to the market and came back with lemon tea and soup, and Chloe went wherever she does when she picks up weed and scored a few ounces. The look on Rachel's face was priceless when we gave her the get-well-soon kit. She kept thanking us but told us to go away so that she wouldn't get us sick. Chloe said "fuck that" and sat in her room with her anyway. So if Chloe's sick next week, we'll all know why.

September 29[]

Damn, does the Vortex Club EVER face consequences for ANYTHING? They held last weekend's party out on the football field. It was INSANE. They had a live band and a fireworks show. A FIREWORKS SHOW! I could see it all the way from the dorms. There was no way that it wasn't reported, but of-freaking-course not a single cop showed up.

The field was completely trashed the next day. It looks like a tornado hit it, or like a really stanky five-day hippie love festival happened out there. It's filthy! Gym classes have been canceled, and the Bigfoots won't be able to play this week. If I were Principal Wells, I'd send Victoria Chase and her minions out there with trash bags to pick it all up, but he's not doing shit about it, as usual.

And of course she won't stop talking super loudly about how awesome and great the party was, or whatever. I think she makes sure I'm in earshot before she brings it up. As if I even care!

But maybe I should thank her. I mean, I don't have to go to gym this week... There's a silver lining to everything. Or, in this case, gold.

October 2[]

Kate's spending a lot of time in her room lately. I haven't been seeing her in the TV lounge very much, even though she's usually there for movie nights. I know shes Mx. Dog's assistant and that her art courseload is super heavy this semester. Homework has been really dragging me down, too. I should try to get her to take a break so that we can both do something fun and relaxing...

October 4[]

Kate said that she can't do anything with me this weekend, which was pretty disappointing, but I'll deal.

Today in class Mx. Dog told us that they've got a surprise lined up for us on Monday. Great, now I'm gonna spend all weekend dying to know what it is. Can't concentrate. Thinking of surprise. Hoping it's something super cool. I want to put my mad photo skillz to work.

October 7[]

IT'S A PHOTO CONTEST. I should have known. I think I'm the only one who was surprised and totally unprepared. You have to sign up in pairs, and I have to pick a partner TODAY because the deadline is Friday. Friday!

Needless to say, I'm sweating at my desk. I don't know who I should ask. Should I play it safe? Or maybe...high risk = high reward? IDK. But I have to decide, like, RIGHT NOW. As in, close my journal and decide. Now.

October 7 (later)[]

I asked Chloe. Because there's no such thing as picking wrong when it means picking my best friend. With her on my side, the contest's going to be a blue breeze. Of course, she had to have her chance at teasing me first, but that's a small toll to pay. Besides, I know she's totally into the idea of helping. We'll be meeting at the Two Whales first thing tomorrow to plot.

I asked Rachel. The contest's theme is "bonds". Soooo... Model + photographer. Artist + muse? When I was thinking of who to ask, it just seemed kinda...logical at the time. But now that excitement of the contest is fading, I'm wondering why the hell she agreed to help out. What's even it it for her? I've never been able to understand Rachel that well...or myself, apparently.

I asked Kate. Out of anyone and everyone in my photography class... Kate has the most calming energy of any of them, AND she has an illustrative artist's eye. I know I can probably produce something great with her as my partner. Hopefully Kate's into it, too. She seemed happy about it when she agreed to be my partner, but I seriously can't shake the feeling that something is off...

...

October 8[]

Of course, the first item on the list this morning was getting some grub, way before I could even so much as think or breathe about the contest. I love the Two Whales, and I love how much it feels like a second home, cuz Joyce and Chloe are always there when I am. Special perks!

Chloe's mind wasn't on winning anything at all, and in between her noisy eating and mock flirting (I still haven't been able to figure out what's up with that), it was taking me forever to finish my breakfast. She thought it was weird that I asked her to partner with me, but I countered that having my best friend on my side was really the only choice I wanted to make. So what if she's not as much of a photographer? That's what I'M here for.

I still can't believe I asked Rachel to help me out with the contest. It's not like we've ever worked together on something like this before...or even spent much one-on-one time with each other. She's probably had a LOT of photos taken before by people way more talented than me...

And it was totally awkward at first as I started to realize how weird it was to not have Chloe around and in between Rachel and I, but she seemed genuinely excited about everything. So I began to feel a little better about it. She said that since I'm a photographer and she's a model, we're an "electric combo". Is it that easy? I doubt it, but I appreciate what she means. I have no idea how to tell her that I don't really know what I'm doing.

Kate and I met up at the Two Whales. She showed up looking kinda tired, but she seemed pretty glad for the chance to sit down and have a cup of tea, like we do on our dates. If anything, I really hope the next time we'll be spending together this week will give her a chance to relax...

Spending one-on-one time with Kate is really the best. When I'm around her, it's hard to feel worried about anything. She's got a cheerful, talkative side that I don't get to see a whole lot when we're at school. Maybe school's got something to do with that...? Anyway, Kate seems a little worried about the contest. She actually asked me why I picked her as my partner. The fact that she even doubted it is crazy. Why wouldn't I want to work with her?

...

October 8 (later)[]

So, Chloe asked me if I had anywhere in mind for a photo location, and I did...or at least I thought so. I directed Chloe to the lighthouse. Being there was like reliving our childhood together.

But...I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Standing there beside the lighthouse, thinking about how it looked smaller than I remembered, just made me feel sort of weird. I'm glad I wasn't up there alone. Chloe made me feel better for feeling that way.

I was just starting to feel okay again, just starting to enjoy the atmosphere and the silence and her company, when Chloe changed the mood completely by dropping a huge bomb.

So, Chloe asked me if I had anywhere in mind for a photo location, but none of my ideas really seemed that great, so I just left it up to her, and she immediately kidnapped me onto her truck.

She brought me to...a junkyard. Not the kind that's strewn with smelly garbage, at least. This was more like a scrap and stuff, AKA plenty of things to get tetanus from. But my artistic side was already spinning, thinking of all the cool photos I could get there.

We were having fun just horsing around (I'm lucky I didn't step on a rusty nail...) and enjoying ourselves when Chloe changed the mood completely by dropping a huge bomb.

She straight up told me that she was leaving. Just like that. I know she's been aching to get out of Arcadia Bay for years, but...

I still didn't know how to take it. I mean, it feels like I JUST got back to my best friend, and now she's going somewhere else?

Rachel was full of ideas about where we should go to take our contest photo. I should have known that she'd have some photoshoot locales already in mind. We went to go scope it out today.

So we skipped class, because I was feeling daring. She wound up taking me to the beach, which was an AWESOME choice. Why didn't I just come up with that? Rachel looks so natural on the beach. She really belong somewhere warm and sunny and sandy...like Los Angeles.

So, after Rachel checked for broken glass with her feet (really...) and went almost-skinny-dipping (REALLY), she shared a bit of a shocker with me. Apparently, Rachel's been scouted by an agency in LA. Awesome news, right? I'm happy for her! But she said she hasn't told anyone else yet. I dunno why...

We caught the bus to get back to school on time to catch our last classes of the day. And now I've got a lot to think about.

She asked if I wanted to skip class, but I wussed out. Classic Max! Don't mind me, Rachel, I'm just raining on your parade. She was cool about it, though, 'cause Rachel is cool about pretty much everything. So, after school, she took me to this really neat underpass.

After Rachel and I checked out all the awesome graffiti and talked about the parties that happen down in the tunnel, she shared a bit of a shocker with me. Apparently, Rachel's been scouted by an agency in LA. Awesome news, right? I'm happy for her! But she said she hasn't told anyone else yet. I dunno why...

We just got back half an hour ago. It's super late. I can't concentrate on my homework at all. I've got a lot to think about.

After talking over possible photo locations, I was pretty sure that I had the perfect one in mind. We headed back up to school, and I took her up onto the dormitory roof to scope out the view.

Up on the roof, it was like we were the only two people in the world. I DID have to justify how I got the keys (can this journal be used as evidence against me?), but it was worth it. We were up so high we were able to see a family of deer in the surrounding forest!

We did some bird watching, too, and Kate started talking about the animals after they were spooked and scattered. It was so nice up there under the big blue sky. I was feeling pretty good until Kate disclosed to me that she's been dealing with a lot of assholes lately. I hate that my suspicions were right.

After talking over possible photo locations, I decided to just leave it up to Kate. We wound up taking the bus right from the Two Whales to the hospital. Not the first place I would've picked.

But I tried to get into it, even though I was confused... and I haven't liked hospitals since I was little. Lucky for me, Kate knows exactly what she's doing. The moment we stepped into the children's ward it all clicked into place. This is what Kate finds fulfilling.

Seeing her with the kids was wonderful. If there had been someone like Kate around when I was in the hospital, I probably wouldn't find them so creepy now. I was feeling pretty good until Kate disclosed to me that she's been dealing with a lot of assholes lately. I hate that my suspicions were right.

But she's better than them, and I'm going to make sure she knows it. I've got her back, because she's had mine since I met her.

...

October 9[]

I woke up in a dark mood, with Chloe's big announcement yesterday taking over all of my thoughts. I don't WANT to stop Chloe from leaving. I seriously don't. She deserves to see the whole world and more. Still! I know it's selfish, but I don't like the idea of saying goodbye again. It's hypocritical, since I'm the one who left first, but I don't know what else to feel.

But I'm not going to stop her. Regardless of how I feel about it. I want her to remember Arcadia Bay—and me—positively, no matter how long she's gone for. So I decided to gift her with something precious and personal.

I put together a mixtape for her She FLIPPED, in a good way. Apparently she hadn't thought of music for her trip at all.

I found her a snowglobe, but she didn't really know what to do with it. Of course, she can't take it in her truck. Whoops...

I framed an old photo of the two of us, and Chloe flipped in a good way. She seemed really happy with it. That felt good.

She seemed to be happy that I had even thought of her at all, which was really what I was going for. So what if I want Chloe to be thinking of me when she's traveling? At least I can admit it. This time, when we're apart, I'm keeping in touch. I just keep telling myself that she's not going to be away for that long...probably. I hope.

I had invited Chloe down to the boardwalk to hang out and hopefully just to enjoy the afternoon with her, but things came to a close pretty fast when Joyce called. I'm not one to keep Chloe away from her mom.

I was ready to just go back to school, but Chloe invited me back to her place instead. She all but used the word "sleepover". She even mentioned blanket forts. Blanket forts! I know it would be completely crazy to accept 'cause it's a school night, but I did anyway. So rebellious of me. Where's the blue hair dye?

Of course, the moment we got back to Chloe's place Joyce fed us so much food I thought I would legit die, and then we did all the cleanup before going up to Chloe's room to build our blanket fort. We've both got less than two years to being 20 years old (YIKES), but we're stilling having fun like kids. I love it. I kind of hope that never changes.

We lounged around and talked about our contest photo, and the kinda shot we wanted to take. To be honest, I keep forgetting about the contest. There's so much else to think about...and every single bit of it comes back to Chloe.

Then, with my big, fat mouth, I kind of abruptly spilled that I wanted Chloe to be my model for the photo, which really seemed to knock her flat. But it shouldn't. Chloe just fits so naturally in front of my camera.

But Chloe INSISTED that Joyce would be fine with waiting a little longer. Even though I wasn't entirely convinced, I agreed to come along when she invited me to hang out with her down on the beach. It was a lot less crowded down there than on the boardwalk, which gave us a chance to roam wherever we wanted.

The beach is another place Chloe and I used to frequent as kids. It was one of our many settings for our pirate adventures. We walked around and talked about our contest photo, and the kinda shot we wanted to take. To be honest, I keep forgetting about the contest. There's so much else to think about...and every single bit of it comes back to Chloe.

She actually had some pretty keen perspective on the whole photography thing, though. She was worried that I was worried, which I really appreciate. I don't know how it's going to turn out, but...I think it'll be fine.

I'm going to have Chloe as the main subject of my photo, because it's the only thing that really feels right. The theme of the contest is "bonds", and, well, call me uncreative, but my bond with Chloe really matters to me.

I was right to be worried about keeping Chloe from her mom this week, because Chloe told me all about how Joyce cried when she said she'd be leaving. I think I should try to visit Joyce while Chloe's gone, so she's not lonely. And then Chloe asked me if I thought I was like a bird. Whatever that means.

And I said no, because...well, it was really stupid of me, but I said something about how I wouldn't want to just pack up and fly away. Of course, Chloe immediately went on the offensive AND the defensive, getting right back into the whole "five years in Seattle" thing, which wasn't my fault.

When we went to bed, she was still steamed, and I felt like shit.

We went back to school, she was steamed, and I felt like shit.

I wish I could be one, like Chloe. Someone free and brave. I'm not sure why she got all philosophical out of nowhere, but it was definitely something that had me thinking pretty hard. She got a little mushy for a moment, but she checked herself pretty fast.

Then we put on a movie, 'cause it's tradition. It really was like reliving our childhood sleepovers.

And then I got mushy. It was a mushfest all around. I'm just thankful she understands.

Rachel invited me to head downtown with her today to hang out and talk about our contest photo. I didn't want to miss class, so we agreed to meet during my free period. I almost never go downtown...or what passes for it in Arcadia Bay, anyway. (Wow, Max, snob much? Can't help it—the shopping in Seattle is top-tier. Uh-oh, I'm starting to sound like Victoria Chase.)

I decided to pick something out for Rachel, since it's been so nice of her to agree to help me out with this contest. I can't afford much, but a little gift never hurt anyone. I don't know anyone that doesn't like presents.

I got her another feather earring, but it didn't go over so well. She already HAS an earring. Way to be obvious, Max. DUH.

I got her a necklace made out of hemp. She called me out on falling for the stoner cliche, but she seemed to really like it anyway.

I got her lavender oil. It was kind of an educated guess, but I still wasn't totally sure. But she really seemed to love it!

Rachel surprised me by pulling out some pretty well-rounded knowledge about Richard Avedon. We talked about how mirrors and cameras are similar and whether or not photos are always honest. I didn't know she was so into the art theory side of photography. I guess I just assumed that as a model, she wouldn't care. I was totally wrong.

We headed back to school so we would have time to make it back to class. I was reminded right away of just how popular Rachel is as soon as we were on campus again, so it's extra cool she's making time for me this week.

When she went to go stop for a smoke, I found one of the many pieces of graffiti about Rachel around school. "Rachel gives great head". GROSS. Why the hell would anyone write something like that? What does anyone get out of being that way? I don't GET it.

I rubbed it off. You can't even tell it was ever there.

I wrote over it. "Rachel gives great hugs". Fuck that "artist".

We sat down together, and I learned some stuff about Rachel that really surprised me. She's coping with way more shit than I ever thought she was. I figured that Rachel's life was all about scheduling parties she would have to be in attendance for every weekend—not-at-freaking-all! Learning this stuff was weird. It feels like meeting a new person...

We stayed a little longer. I figured that since we were already away from school, I might as well miss a class. With Rachel and Chloe both conspiring against me, I'm going to become a regular delinquent at this rate.

Rachel offered up some spare change, and we decided to play a claw crane game. Which we failed at, BADLY, and I learned all about Rachel's competitive streak. She apparently hates losing. Not surprising. I didn't exactly enjoy it, either. I really wanted that Mr. Mustard! Maybe we can go and try again someday.

Rachel offered up some spare change, and we tried one of those fortune-telling machines. I knew that Rachel was really into astrology, but I didn't know that she was so into the occult in general. She made me get a fortune, and then she got it to do a "love match" for us. We've apparently got "complementary strength".

After that, we went back to Blackwell, where I learned for the first time ever who Rachel's notorious ex-boyfriend actually is. It's the dude in the RV that's always lurking on campus. Are you shittin' me?! But I'm gonna try NOT to judge. There's a lot more to Rachel than there seems to be on the surface. what do I know about relationships, anyway? Nada.

Rachel's actually got a lot of doubts about the contract...and herself, too. And, to be honest, I kind of feel REALLY shitty about some of the things I used to think and believe about her. Rachel deserves so much better...

The more I think about people bullying Kate, the more pissed off I feel. Who the hell would bully KATE MARSH? She's never done anything mean to anyone. When I first started at Blackwell, she was one of the very first people to go out of their way to introduce themselves to me. And I feel like shit that she's been coping with this and I didn't ask about it sooner.

We went to the boardwalk today so I could pick up some new film, and after we had tea and a good talk, I decided to grab something for her from a gift shop while she was distracted, crossing my fingers that she'd like it.

I got her a picture book. And I'm pretty sure she LOVED it. Her smile said everything I needed to know about her feelings.

I got her a stuffed bunny rabbit, which felt kind of foolish handing over after she reminded me about Alice. Cliche much, Max?

I got her tea, because I know she's a connoisseur. She said we'd have to have a cup together. Of course I agreed. I can't wait.

We watched the sun start to set together, and I thought about asking her to watch it with me, but I started to feel kinda weird about it, so I didn't say anything, at least until I was itching to get to another topic... Kate's bullies. So we sat and watched the sunset while I tried to say what I wanted to say without messing all my words up.

I just don't want Kate to be hurt any more, except Kate insisted that she's not made of glass. She straight up told me that she didn't want me feeling sorry for her... or anyone else's pity, for that matter.

But I totally flubbed it. She called me out and tripped me trying to explain what I meant. She also didn't fail to notice that I hadn't asked her about what I had suspected. But she's right. Being pitied is really... well, it's probably humiliating for someone like Kate, who says she knows how to fend for herself.

And she's totally right. I would hate to have people treat me differently or with pity, too. But that's NOT why I hang out with her. I hang out with Kate because I like Kate. Period. Being pitied is really... well, it's probably humiliating for someone like Kate, who says she knows how to fend for herself.

I don't know what it's like to be Kate Marsh, cuz we had totally different upbringings. I can probably count all the times I've been to church since childhood on one hand. But because Kate is 'different' than most of us, she deals with totally different things. I'm trying really hard to understand... to get where she's coming from. I don't want to mess it up.

...

October 9 (later)[]

I went to go flop around in my room, since I was exhausted from running around all day. I did some research on Avedon and his Woman in the Mirror photobook, trying to find insight on what Rachel saw in it. I'm trying to put her puzzle together, but it feels like pieces are still missing...

Rachel came by my room late in the evening so we could talk about winning the contest. Or, as my self-doubts would have it, NOT winning the contest.

But it turns out that Rachel's not so sure about it, either. She got, well...vulnerable again. I don't even know how to describe it. I was seeing a part of her I'd never seen before. I just wanted to...I don't know. But I wanted to reach out and say, "Me too." Or hug her.

I'm going to sleep on it. Yet again, I've got lots to think about...

And I fucked up. Like a complete asshole. I was beating myself up over how insecure I was feeling and I totally misinterpreted what she was saying to me, which wound up having me unintentionally saying something really mean. Needless to say, Rachel walked right out.

I feel like shit. I can't sleep, but I'm gonna try again.

After class and dinner, I headed over to Kate's room to see her. The first thing she did was apologize about the mess. There wasn't much of one, but she HAS been holed up in her room lately, and now I unfortunately know why.

She was pretty happy to see me, and we sat on her bed and talked about how we feel about the contest. I don't want to disappoint everyone, or myself... or Kate. I felt dumb going on about how insecure I am, but Kate, ever understanding, pointed out that how we feel is equally important.

She really is awesome. I'm so glad to call her my friend. Listening to her talk, I was glad to learn that she gets a lot of support at home.

But I was worried about Kate... well... overestimating her abilities. It can't possibly be healthy to just put a brave face on when you're breaking, and I said so. Which I shouldn't have, because it really upset her. Kate thinks she's strong, and she wants me to see it, too.

I'm really proud of her. She's holding her head up despite everything. I just hope she knows how brave she is. Maybe I should make my admiration even more obvious. I don't have enough words for how inspiring I find her attitude to be. I think we both feel better now.

I just don't want her to be hurt. 'Perfect love casts out fear.

October 10[]

What's the point of even going to class when all I can think about is Chloe, contest, Chloe, contest, Chloe, in that order? But, lucky me, even though the contest isn't quite near, Chloe is, and I had her all day today.

I know she's leaving really, really soon, which is messing me up in all kinds of ways. I'm not ready. WHYYYY couldn't I just have a little more time to prepare for this? Like maybe another week? Or a month? Or preferably a year? Hello, can anyone hear me? I'm just shouting into the void.

She came by in her truck to whisk me away to our photo spot. It made me kinda happy to know that even with her big plans, she's making time for me.

I cut class and hopped in with her. She was pretty thrilled about it. She made me promise not to worry about class or any of my deadlines. I was willing to let it go for the day because, well...I've only got so much time left with her. I don't want to spend it moping.

Right now, it's just me and Chloe. It won't be by next week...

But I told her that I couldn't just cut class. Which...pissed her off. A lot. And then I fucked up even MORE by bringing up Rachel, who kind of feels like the elephant in the room of our friendship sometimes. I didn't mean to come off like a petty asshole, but I did.

So now things are awkward, and Chloe's leaving so soon...

I woke up after an extra shitty night's sleep with my mind on the contest and the photo we're supposed to be taking today, and immediately got a text from Rachel.

We promised last night that we would drop all of our expectations and not get our hopes up too high. It's made me feel a lot less nervous about the whole thing. Asking Rachel to be my partner has been a really great idea.

I jumped on it as an opportunity to apologize to her for last night. And she was totally willing to forgive me. I was so relieved! We promised we would just try to drop all of our expectations and try to relax about everything.

Rachel told me she talked to her agency this morning. She's only got til the end of the month to decide whether she's going to take the contract or not. I could tell she was struggling. I don't think she has anyone else to talk to about this stuff.

I'm starting to realize that Rachel's not just 'Chloe's friend' in my head any more, and that we don't always need Chloe around to relate to one another. I want to help Rachel out. I want to let her know that I'll be there for her. I think... I'm getting closer and closer to figuring her out.

We headed up to the rooftop right after class today. I stole... um... BORROWED the keys again and then promptly realized that it looked like it was going to start raining. I started worrying about it (literally) dampening my plans.

We headed over to the hospital first thing in the morning. Kate was excited to be back, even so soon after the last time. She makes me want to take up volunteering. If it makes her this happy, maybe it can make me happy, too.

I started to think about how entering the contest with Kate as my partner has benefited us both in ways I didn't predict at all. I had SO much fun yesterday. The kind of fun I can't have with Chloe or with Rachel or with any of my other friends. Of course, I love them all, but Kate has a unique view on the world and a kind of strength I don't think I could find anywhere else.

So, even though Kate wasn't expecting it at all, I wanted her in my shot, and I put her in it. Of course, she was really reluctant about it, and I had to convince her, but I got her to agree. I didn't ask her to pose- she just did her thing.

And, guess what? It turned out great. Better than great- it actually turned out amazing. For once, my photographer's instincts were bang on. Maybe I've got a shot at this career after all, wink wink, nudge nudge? But for realz, the truth is...

I don't think it was all me. This photo only worked so well because of Kate.

...

October 10 (later)[]

(No journal entry if the approval was low enough to get a bad ending)

We weren't really on task when we finally got back to the lighthouse. So what, though? We had a buried treasure to find, and Chloe was just SO into it. It was cute.

I was achy and ready to give up after a while, though. I guess this one goes to 13-year-old me. She sure knew how to conceal the evidence. Chloe was nudging me to get going on our photo, and of course I was hesitating.

Chloe's junkyard was just as cool as I remembered it, but as soon as we got there I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with it. Chloe read my mind and my anxieties.

We talked about what we should do, at least until she started battling me with a stick. Not that I minded. All I cared about was trying to beat her. But I quickly kicked my own ass by falling like a moron. So charming, Max!

Chloe's never officially posed for me before beyond silly shots, so it took a while to get started, but once I had the photo, I knew that was it. It all fell together perfectly. It might be one of the nicest pics I've ever taken of her.

But something was off with Chloe. She was thinking about something else. Not the photo. Us. She wanted to know how I REALLY felt about her leaving. And...I tried to be honest with her, even though my heart was racing. I try not to think about it a lot, but my feelings for Chloe are...complicated.

We left right away so we could catch the morning's golden hour on the beach. There was no one around when we got there, and it was BEAUTIFUL. Sunrise and sunset are two completely different color palettes. I was geekin' out.

We decided to wait until it was starting to get dark to head to the underpass. I really wanted to capture that eerie purple glow we saw on Tuesday. When we got there, twilight was just starting, and this time I wasn't nervous at all.

At least until we started to talk about Chloe. She and Rachel have been planning to go to LA together since before I ever even came back to Arcadia Bay. If Rachel ends up accepting her contract and going, Chloe's gonna be hurt. So she was upset about that. It's really obvious that Rachel loves Chloe a lot. After all, she's the one who was there for her when I couldn't be...

Then Rachel started to talk about some serious stuff. Like how she doesn't feel like she's always real with other people, because everyone's got an idea of the kind of person she is. And I was even one of those people. I thought Rachel was flaw-free.

My heart was so heavy for her. Rachel carries a lot of sadness that's buried deep, deep, deep down. So deep I'm not sure Chloe even knows about it. We talked, soul to soul, and the strangest feeling was making my chest all tight as I sat next to her.

The photo we wound up taking is beautiful, but it gives me that same feeling...

I was really happy about the contest photo Kate and I took, but... I hadn't been able to get her sad face out of my head. I decided to go and check up on her.

Except Kate had the same idea, and we wound up literally bumping into each other. I thought we both concussed ourselves! I made her sit down and we started talking. It turns out that Kate was worried about being in the photo.

I tried to think of a way to explain to her that she's the reason the photo turned out so well. She basically brought it to life, and I let her know. Kate seemed to kinda doubt it. It makes me sad... These bullies have really affected her.

She's so special. And she's so much stronger than I ever knew. I feel bad for thinking once that Kate needed my protection. She doesn't. When she calls me her angel, she doesn't mean she needs me to watch over her. I think she just wants me to walk beside her. And I'm more than fine with that.

...

October 11[]

(No journal entry if the approval was low enough to get a bad ending)

I'm sitting in class, waiting for the winners of the contest to be announced. This is the longest hour of my fucking life. The longest DAY of my life. Because Chloe's leaving at the end of it. I feel like a part of me is leaving, too.

How could I ever hope to explain to myself, or anyone else, exactly what Chloe means to me? I never knew how bad the distance really was until I got back to her a year ago. I guess it's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It just took me longer than the average person to realize that, and, wowser, does it ever suck. It feels like there's a hole in the bottom of my heart.

I wish we had longer. I wish I realized all of these feelings ages ago, so I could have figured them out sooner, and...I dunno, said something about it, I guess. Not that I'm so sure Chloe would feel the same way. I just don't know. She's mercurial.

What I know is this: what I feel for Chloe isn't the same thing I feel for any of my other friends, and it's not something I've ever felt for anyone else. This feeling's always been just with Chloe. So that makes me the girl that fell for her best friend.

How cliche, right? I really shouldn't have ignored and denied it for so long.

And now it's too late. It's not like I could change anything, and I DO want to. But I can't. So I'm just sitting here.

But...maybe there IS something I can do about it. Maybe I don't have to keep it bottled up. Chloe might be leaving, but I'm sure she'd understand.

I need to let Chloe know how I feel. I don't know when, or where, but I will one day. Maybe by then she'll even want me to come with her, wherever she ends up. I think...I'd really like that. TBH, I can't imagine my future any other way. What kind of future would it even be if I don't have Chloe at my side? Not one I want to live in, that's for sure.

Things are going to turn out fine for the both of us. It feels like destiny.

I'm going to show Chloe how much I care about her by supporting her dreams. I'm going to try to encourage her to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, one hundred percent. I'm still not happy about her leaving, but she'll be back. She'll come home. To me, to Joyce, and to everyone else. She'll come home. She'd never leave forever.

Chloe and I have survived worse. That's how I know we'll be fine.

I'm sitting in class, waiting for the winners of the contest to be announced. This is the longest hour of my fucking life.

But, you know what? Even if we don't win... I think I'm fine with that. I got a lot out of this week. Not just butterflies for Rachel Amber. Lots of stuff.

I learned that I'm not the only one constantly doubting myself and worrying about my dreams and whether or not I'm good enough or if I even deserve them. And that being genuine is a lot harder than anyone EVER makes it out to be. I learned that Rachel really understands all of this shit really, really well. The only thing I regret is not discovering that sooner.

I think I'm finally growing up. Not that I still thought I was a kid before, but now it's really hitting me that I'm getting older... that I can't go back to those comfortable years when it felt like I had all the time in the world to figure things out. But it's not scary any more knowing that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

This is real life. Time to start really living in it.

I learned that Rachel is someone I'm going to have to work hard to get to know, but I'm already halfway there. And I want to be there for her... and to let her be there for me. Rachel and I have way more in common than I ever thought we could. We both want to be genuine, but we're afraid of failure. We're both not sure of who we really are.

From here on out, I have no idea what's going to happen. But whether or not Rachel winds up going to LA, I'm going to do my best to stay in touch. I'm going to keep being inspired and trying to take on every opportunity I can. It's all I CAN do. Finally acknowledging that feels good. I know Rachel feels the same way, too.

The future's wide open. We just need to make it happen.

I'm sitting in class, waiting for the winners of the contest to be announced. This is the longest hour of my freaking life.

But I feel like I pretty much already won. I spent the entire week bonding with Kate, getting to know a new side of her, being someone she can lean on.

All Kate really wants is to be understood. I think a lot of people think it's easy to feel like they're better than her, because they're not religious, or because they're more popular, or because they have more money, or whatever. But I feel sorry for them, because they don't realize the truth... which is that none of those differences actually matter.

I used to think that Kate was fragile, but that was never true. Gentleness isn't the same as weakness. And grace isn't the same as lacking courage. The fact that Kate utilizes these strengths so well and asks for only my support in return kinda blows my mind. I want to be strong like she is. I have a lot to learn from her.

And I'm going to start today. Kate and I, shoulder to shoulder.

It can't be easy being Kate. She works harder than anyone I know- on her art, on her passions, on her friends. All of that has to be seriously exhausting. But she does it with a smile on her face. Who else is able to look back on everything they do and say, 'I put my all into it'? Not me. Not most people. But Kate Marsh can.

Things will probably still be difficult for Kate for a while... but I'm going to help her though it. She might have called me an angel, but the real angel is Kate, with her huge heart and her sense of justice. Her heart is so big... Maybe that's why it takes so much damage from cruel people. I won't let that happen any more.